I beat on CSI a lot, I know, mainly CSI: Miami. That’s because it’s easy.

Let me put it another way: if the CSI writers can get away with doing fuck all research, and indulge in lazy writing, then so can I. To further extend this comparison, if millions of people around the world enjoy CSI despite those failings, I too will enjoy the same success. This is watertight logic, and if you think you have found a discrepency, you haven’t. The only discrepency is in your face.

Here’s how to solve a crime in CSI land.
1) Go to the crime scene. Find three pieces of evidence: blood (some of it will be someone else’s), a huge chunk of dried skin, and a piece of soil.
2) Return to crime lab. Immediately put the soil through a battery of tests. It will have some unique properties that can only be found in one single area in all of the US.
3) Go to this area, find someone who works there. Accuse them of the crime immediately when you find that the flap of skin at the crime scene belongs to them.
4) The person will explain that they have a lot of loose skin, and some of it probably dropped off when you went round to the house to borrow a cup of sugar. This person will also point you in the direction of your next suspect.
5) Locate next suspect. Accuse suspect of the crime. Suspect will turn out to have a watertight alibi, and the blood will not be his. He will mention another person. This will be the person who committed the crime.
6) Find this person. Accuse them of the crime. This person will deny it, brimming with self-assurance. Explain that it was their blood at the crime scene. Come up with a ridiculous and convoluted explanation for how the suspect got their own blood at the crime scene.
7) The suspect will immediately confess, explaining why he comitted the crime.
 Case closed. Sunglasses.

The procedure for CSI: Miami differs in a few details from the standard CSI practice. I will outline the Miami procedure below:
1) Do not go to the crime scene. Your boss Horatio Cain is already at the crime scene. He was there within 0.04 microseconds of the crime being committed. He will collect no evidence, but will correctly notice anything and everything relevant to the crime.
2) Horatio solves crime within 0.09 microseconds of arriving on the scene. Continue waiting at the lab for Horatio to return.
3) Upon Horatio’s return, do not ask him for the solution. He will want to drip feed you information so that work appears to be done. Humour him. This is a kind act by Horatio, since it keeps everyone in the department employed. If it ever became known that he is a one-man crime-busting machine, you would be unemployed.
4) Crime is considered solved when Horatio has decided that you have done enough work to keep up the illusion of being useful.

At some point between points 3 and 4 it is considered standard operating procedure for Horatio to do any of the following:
-Molest a member of CSI staff using only his voice
-Molest a member of CSI staff using conventional molestation techniques
-Shoot someone (not necessarily a member of CSI staff)
-Remove his sunglasses and then put them back on eighteen times a second
-Stand by while other CSI staff members accuse people of the crime, hoping to get one up on Horatio by solving it without him telling them
-Drive a car through an exploding building
-Fight a tidal wave using his fists

Now you know how to solve crimes like the pros!