Windows is an operating system specifically designed by Microsoft to make your system crash.

Since Windows 2000 and XP, however, Microsoft changed their strategy and instead focussed on trying to make your computer run as slowly as possible.

With Windows Vista on the horizon, let’s take a look at what we can look forward to:

Enhanced DRM: For those that don’t know, Digital Rights Management is an exciting new technology aimed at making it as difficult as possible for you to enjoy your music when and where you want it.

More Multimedia: That’s right! Each version of Windows has been more MULTIMEDIA CAPABLE that the last. Where Windows 95 could only play video and sound files quite well, 98 could play them harder and more often. Windows ME was so good at being multimedia capable, that it projected video files directly into your mind. Windows XP could bend reality so that your videos actually happened in real life in front of you. The threesome scene from Wild Things is the most often played piece of video on XP machines, for this reason.

Now Windows Vista is so amazingly powerful at playing multimedia, that it will simply fire a laser out of the computer screen and kill you instantly, because there’s no point seeing any of Vista’s multimedia capabilities, since the puny human brain cannot comprehend how good the playback is.

UI improvements: The Windows XP UI was a slightly improved version of the standard Windows 95 UI. However, for Windows Vista, Microsoft want to transform the UI so that the screen is filled with useful information. Want to order pizza from a folder’s right-click menu? No problem. Want to call in an airstrike on your neighbour using MSN Messenger? Just put in his e-mail address. Want to make your computer emit the sound of a dog whistle to attract all the dogs in the neighbourhood? Just choose “Dog Whistle Alert” from the “Help” drop-down menu on Paint.

Scheduling Assistance: Always forgetting your appointments at the local brothel? Don’t worry! Windows Vista will keep track of your entire life for you! When you click “I Agree” to the End User Licence Agreement, you will be agreeing for Windows Vista to absorb your soul. It will then assess your needs and make appointments as required. If it thinks that your teeth aren’t straight, it will ring the detist for you, and request an appointment using a synthesized voice based on Michael Ironside’s gutteral tones, mixed in with 200% reverb to scare the bejesus out of the receptionist.

Incidentally, if you say “Microsoft” three times while looking into a mirror, Bill Gates will appear behind you and offer you a Beta version of Windows Vista, before clubbing you about the head with it and stealing all your silver.