It takes one hundred and seventy three badgers fired at 190mph at a rate of one every two seconds to sink a Nimitz-class aircraft carrier.

It takes four to disable a combat-ready soldier, and forty-three to penetrate the armour of a Challenger MkII tank. However, it takes just four to clog the barrell of the Challenger II.

One hundred and eighty thousand badgers were expended during World War II.

In Southend-on-Sea, hedgehogs have been granted the Right of Vengeance against motorists who run over members of their family.

It is very important to be able to seperate actual fact from ‘pretend’ fact.

To be more precise, it is very important that people learn the skill of seperating fact from CSI: Miami’s version of fact.

Watching an episode last week, I was interested to see that it began rather dramatically with a plane crash. In the time it took for the credits to roll, Horatio was on the scene. The first order of business for Horatio, as always, was to immediately start talking so that he could creep everyone out with his convicted-stalker voice.

With this task accomplished, he began to interview the pilot who was being stretchered onto an ambulance. Within ten seconds, Horatio had deduced that the man had been blinded by a laser, which had made him crash the plane. You may think I am exaggerating, but I’m not.

So, he heads back to the CSI lab and gets some of his staff to render up some CGI to show where on the ground the laser may have come from. Apparently, CSI labs tend to employ as many CGI artists as actual investigators.

They discover that one of the houses in the area is owned by a man who has been complaining about planes flying over his neighbourhood. So, off Horatio trots to the gentleman’s house.

Within 15 seconds of getting in the door, he sees a laser pointer on a table and accuses the man of pointing it at the pilot to blind him and make him crash the plane.

Now, I’m going to clarify this for you, because you may have, quite reasonably, assumed that the man burst into the cockpit and blinded the pilot with the pointer, or something. No, you see, this man was notin the cockpit. He wasn’t even on the plane.

You know when CSI does the zoomy flashy visuals to illustrate a crime? They showed us one here. The man standing on the ground, holding his pen-sized laser pointer, and shining it at a plane roughly a mile above him. The view then zooms along the beam up to the plane and right into the pilot’s eye.

Several thoughts present themselves, but I won’t go through them all, because none of them matter in light of the following:

If someone was just standing in a field a mile away, I couldn’t get him in the eye with a laser pointer. That’s without him being in a moving aircraft, behind tinted glass that’s designed to block out sunlight. I couldn’t even aim a laser pointer into someone’s eye from across the road.

There’s nothing wrong with a bit of artistic license, but come on! If it was at all possible to bring down aircraft with just hand-aimed laser pointers, terrorists would be buying them up by the truckload. Funnily enough, though, those crazy terrorists seem to prefer something called SURFACE TO AIR MISSILES. Now, I’m assuming there’s a pretty large price differential between one laser pointer and one SAM launcher plus ammunition. Even when you factor in spare batteries for the laser pointer. Heck, you could factor in ten years worth of batteries for the laser pointer, and still only scratch the surface of the cost of the aforementioned military hardware. With that in mind, I’m quite sure that those cost-conscious terrorists know that they’re spending their money on proven technology.

A recurring pattern in CSI: Miami is that of Horatio solving all crimes ever. His team are merely there to do the donkey work, while he swans between labs nodding and creeping the staff out with his voice. They look all puzzled by their lab results until Horatio points out the solution effortlessly. There are two possible explanations.

1) Horatio has simply trained himself to be amazing at solving everything, so that he doesn’t have to work late and can spend his evenings using his voice for it’s main purpose: creeping people out in dark alleyways and stalking beautiful women.

or

2) Horatio is an embittered ex-cop who merely fantasises that he’s far superior to everyone and fixes all problems. CSI: Miami is simply a documentary of these musings. THIS IS THE ONLY WAY THAT A PLANE BEING BROUGHT DOWN BY A LASER POINTER CAN BE EXPLAINED.

Also, Horatio is ginger, much to my amusement.

Four nights ago, most of England was celebrating Guy Fawkes’ Night, more commonly known as Bonfire Night.

Many of you Johnny Foreigner types are unawares as to what this festival is all about. Luckily, like a badass envoy from the Streets of Knowledge, I’m here to educate you.

Guy Fawkes was a man constructed out of pure evil. Created on a construction gantry on a hidden island in the Pacific Ocean, he flew to London when he was completed, in 1974, using the rocket boosters in his feet.

At this point, it became apparant that he was only four inches tall. This meant he was classified as having to pay “tiny tax”, which enraged him greatly. So, he decided to destroy the Houses of Parliament.

Living soley on a diet of petrol and Rich Tea Biscuits, he was able to increase his height to over 100 metres. As a side effect, he also gained the ability to fire cutting beams from his eyes.

On November 5th 2004, Guy Fawkes stormed the Houses of Parliament. The Law Lords were called upon to quell the situation. Using a combination of beards and cannon fire, they were able to disable him. Then one of the Law Lords, RoboLord leapt onto Guy Fawke’s back and tore out his evil computerised brain.

Invented in 1975, the world’s first mobile phone was a petrol-driven monstrosity that could convey a family of six a distance of approximately seven miles. It had eight wheels and was regularly used by the police during chases. In order to make mobile calls, it had to be parked nearby to a house with a phone. At this point, it was the duty of the tallest person present to knock on the door of the house and ask to use their phone.

Later versions of this phone ran on goodwill and happy thoughts. It could not function in Sheffield.

More functional versions of the mobile phone appeared in the late seventies. The best of these was the MessageMaster, which weighed over 400Kg. In order to offset the disappointing weight-to-functionality ratio, the phone was given extra functions; it could be deployed into the form of an Italian restaurant. This procedure required six men and took four hours, and was seen as something of an extravagance.

Another extra function of the phone was that it could be used as a raft. In raft mode, the phone was guaranteed to stay afloat for forty seconds.

By 1984, phones had become true handsets. The most popular of these was the Motorola TALKR. It had the marked disadvantage of requiring a forty-foot transmission mast to be plugged into it in order to transmit further than three metres.

Since then, phones got smaller and smaller until, in 1999, the Nokia 647510i, was roundly criticised for being the size of four atoms.

Today, phones fulfil a variety of functions, such as the Motorola ROKR, which can store more music than any one person can listen to in their entire lifetime.

June 1996: The Water Vole War
Two opposing camps of water vole finally go to war after many years of political tension. The differences between the two factions go right down to the core philosophies that water voles live their lives by. This war spilled over into the human arena when a Tactical Vole Strike went wrong, irradiating Sheffield. The authorities had no choice but to evacuate the city, and today it sits as a dilapidated monument to the Water Vole War. Some people have moved back there since then, and built paltry lives for themselves, but to this day, Sheffield remains a hotbed of radioactivity and despair.

Jubruary 1997: The Empire State Cannon is constructed
The Empire State Cannon is built to combat the increasing threat of terrorism. Pointing directly upwards, capable of firing a focussed particle beam thirty metres in diameter, and completely immobile, the Cannon was the most powerful weapon ever constructed. However, a study conducted after completion of the Cannon found that terrorists were not likely to be found immediately above it. The study consisted of a survey of 400 terrorists, and not one of them said that they would be conducting any terrorist activities while hovering directly above the Empire State Cannon. With this in mind, the Cannon was renamed The Empire State Building, and everyone just pretended that was what it was built to be in the first place. The President of the US still has a button on his desk for firing the Cannon, should he hear of any terrorist activities taking place just above Empire State Building.

Augusto 1998: First Man in Space
Ireland sends the first human being into space, probably aboard some kind of bright green space ship. The pilot, Michael O’Hara Flaherty McNulty, completed fourteen orbits, during which time he beamed forty nine metric tonnes of lucky charms onto all nations of the world, except France.

Marsh 1999: Atlantic Ocean Replaced
Scientists discover that someone has done a pee into the Atlantic. In a huge multinational operation, the water is replaced with fresh water from the moon, brought back by subsequent missions to space from Ireland. The old water was dumped in your backyard. Sorry.

January 2000: Millennium Prank
As part of a student prank, everyone woke up on January 1st of the 21st Century to find they were in their neighbour’s house. A group of students had moved everyone during the night.

Maytember 2001: Nuclear Sidearm Invented
To further combat terrorism, scientists invent the Nuclear .45 Magnum. To this day, it’s the most powerful handgun in the world.

Joon 2002: Mariachi Invasion
Squads of Mariachi bands invade Poland. World War III was believed to be inevitable. At the eleventh hour, the natural enemy of Mariachi music arrived in Poland to rid the country of the threat. That enemy wore white, and was sheltered by a series of powerful afros. That’s right, Disco alone prevented World War III. The Disco Ball of Justice was deployed by the Ninth Disco Battalian, based in Sussex. The Eleventh Battalion concentrated on converting all of Poland into a dancefloor, giving the other Disco Soldiers +15 to “Moves”.

Septumber 2003: Great Wall of China Constructed
One of the most well known, and largest monuments in the world, the Great Wall of China is so large it can be seen from a distance of 8 Light Years. It was built primarily to prevent dogs crapping on China’s lawn.

I hope you learned a lot from my History 101. Go forth and spew this knowledge into the faces of the people you meet.

March 1986: France Invented By Accident
France, and therefore the French, were accidentally invented by a team of scientists who were trying to invent the world’s first re-usable sandwich. The scientists were held before an international tribunal and stripped of their POWER OF SCIENCE by way of punishment. They were also banned from accidentally inventing countries for five years.

July 1987: First and Second World Wars
Occurring within two weeks of each other, the two World Wars were instigated by Germany. In the first instance, Kaiser Wilhelm II created a huge mechanical robot which he personally controlled in order to attack Serbia. Russia and Britain responded with huge walking monstrosities of their own. France, which had conveniently been invented a year earlier, created a giant tower that was used to fire waffles and pancakes at Germany. The so-called “Waffle Tower” has had it’s name mispronounced more and more over the years, and now is known as the “Eiffel Tower”.

Defeated by a salvo of waffles that struck the giant metal testicles of Kaiser Wilhelm’s creation, Germany shrunk back into obscurity for a few days. As recorded with clinical historical accuracy by the computer game Wolfenstein 3D, Germany began breeding zombie soldiers to invade other countries. They were finally defeated in a climactic battle between a lone soldier carrying three guns and a power-suited Hitler. Despite being horrifically wounded several times, the lone soldier was able to completely heal himself by consuming whole chickens during battle.

April 1990: Cuban Missile Crisis
Disaster is narrowly averted when nuclear missiles are accidentally labelled as cuban cigars and shipped out to stores around the world. Luckily, the missiles were recalled before too much damage is done. However, several minor burns were caused when a few unlucky smokers tried to light their “cigars”, causing the missiles to trigger painful nuclear explosions.

May 1992: Bruce Forsythe is Built
Recognising the lack of well-chinned light entertainers, Bruce Forsythe was constructed by the Jet Propulsion Labs in California. Unfortunately, despite being planned as the most advanced light entertainer yet seen, cutbacks had to be made. Scientists soon discovered that the rotary cannon they had mounted instead of a left arm was not strictly street-legal. The also discovered that the world was not yet ready for a light entertainer with a crotch-mounted torch, for night-time performances.

August 1994: The LAW LORDS are commissioned
In an attempt to put a stop to crime, a team of Law Lords were selected. These six, stocky men are stored in stand-up stasis tubes, their big grey beards keeping them alive. When a crime is committed, they step out and don their robes of Law. Each Law Lord has his own method of dispensing justice, in much the same way that their contemporaries, the deplorable Spice Girls, had their own methods of being annoying. Of course, it’s well documented that the Spice Girls were destroyed in 1995 by an asteroid that landed on their store of “Girl Power”, causing an explosion that ripped their tour bus apart. The Law Lords, however, can withstand a fifty megaton nuclear blast. For this reason, and others, they are alive today to dispense justice.

November 1995: The Anti-personnel Ham Sandwich is Invented
Despite the Reuseable Sandwich Project having been deemed a failure, the research spawned the creation of the Anti-Personnel Sandwich.

Soon, together, we will hold hands like lovers and journey through the final part of History 101. For now, keep safe, my young croutons.

A number of impudent souls have questioned my History 101 lecture. I am more than happy to open a six-pack of FACT on anyone who does so. Indeed, I have a FACT FUNNEL for this precise circumstance.

Joe Richter from Hemel Hempstead, near Lebanon, has this to say:

“When did World War II take place?”

This is yet to come, along with it’s preceding World War, in the next part of History 101. I’m a little confused as to why you focussed on the absence of the second World War. You know I didn’t include the first, yet, either, don’t you?

“How old is your Dad?”

A classic Scandinavian Gambit, Joe Richter asks this question in the feeble hope that my father’s age would prove that homo sapiens existed before 1971. Unfortunately, Mr Richter requires some FACTING UP. Humans began to evolve from dinosaurs in 1901, with the first homo sapiens appearing in 1971. So, simple deduction tells us that my father is half man, half dinosaur.

To pre-empt another question:

“What about notable scientific advances, such as the discovery of penicillen, vaccines, the creation of the automobile and the first manned trip into outer space?”

All these and other scientific events occurred on Wednesday, August 12th, 1981, between the hours of 7pm and 8pm. I simply can’t include every single event in history, because it would take far too long. Obviously.

Now, please gird your minds to recieve the next, most powerful instalment, of History 101.

The human race has been on the planet for some time now. Indeed, fossilised remains have enabled us to nail down an approximate date that the first homo sapiens began to appear: August 1971.

Since then, the human race has flourished. Let’s take a look at some notable points in our history.

January 1972: Science is invented
A dedicated team of scientists unveiled their first discovery: a field in which to work, known as “The Field of Science”. When it was first discovered, the field contained a flock of sheep. They were soon ejected and the field was filled with science.

May 1972: The Industrial Revolution
In a state-of-the-species speech, the King of Humans decreed that we should immediately stop being hippies and embrace industry.

March 1973: Disco is invented
Sir Nigel Buntingworth, foremost scientist of the age, discovered Discomatter. Within weeks, he was colliding these particles in his basement, and found that they gave off raw disco. To this day, Discos are powered by Discocyclotrons that collide Discomatter in large quantities.

November 1975: The Microchip Revolution
The age of digital was ushered in with the invention of the microchip. This paved the way for other inventions, such as the automatic pancake and the self-regulating afro, vital for late-seventies disco triumphs.

June 1976: The American Civil War begins and ends.
Lasting only four seconds, President O’Murnahan defeated Evil President Werner with a vicious Chinese Burn.

Octember 1980: France invades the United Kingdom.
The attack is repelled when the Queen destroys the southern coastline with a series of nuclear mines that she planted herself only days earlier. The resulting series of craters is referred to as the English Channel.

Fubruary 1984: Construction on the moon is completed.
After launching, the construction company, Mooncorp, admits it used cheese instead of concrete.

Nophumber 1985: Terrorists inflate the Earth to twice it’s normal size with a bike pump.
To this day, scientists have not been able to find a safe way to deflate the planet. Instead, two months after this incident, scientists simply inflated all human beings up to an appropriate size, so they were again in proportion with the rest of the world. This also had the lucky side effect of humans no longer being slaves to mice.

I hope you enjoyed this brief history of our… history.

In Turkmenistan, it is standard practice to pay for goods and services by using ghosts as currency.