August 2011
1 post
3 tags
Mr T earned his name from becoming well-known for regularly drinking Earl Grey. From 2003-2007 he was a spokesman for Twinings. The first fool he ever pitied was his uncle, upon learning that he did not enjoy tea of any kind. In the TV series Star Trek: The Next Generation the character of Captain Picard was often seen enjoying Earl Grey. This was due to the producers being huge Mr T fans, and...
July 2011
1 post
1 tag
Ham comes from hamsters.
October 2008
1 post
4 tags
Fact Retraction
On November 28th 2005, I wrote this article.
I’m astonished. In all my years of being a tedious pundit, I’ve never, not once, seen CSI: Miami approach any level of reality. Until I read this article on BBC News.
November 2006
1 post
1 tag
Guest Fact
This fact comes to you courtesy of the BBC news program for children, Newsround.
“A squirrel weighs about the same as a packet of biscuits.”
September 2006
1 post
3 tags
Fact Focus: The Role Of Computers In Crimefighting
Modern computers have enabled Horatio Caine to automate many daily tasks in his job as head of Miami’s crime lab.
June 2006
1 post
2 tags
Man Plus
I have a secret for you, internet. Don’t tell anyone, right?
I’m in love with Michael Ironside.
There, I said it.
Don’t get me wrong. This isn’t the kind of love between a man and a woman, or even the kind of love between a man and a fine cuban cigar. No, this is the deep, throbbing respect every man should have for another man who is, quite simply, more manly than himself.
In the...
April 2006
3 posts
5 tags
24 Hour Party People
Jack Bauer is a loose cannon. How do we know this? The writers of 24 punch us in the face with this fact every hour of 24. Which, coincidentally, is about the same rate at which Jack punches fellow CTU agents in the face, under the justification of doing his job.
Every series, Jack comes back for One Last Mission. And, every series, Jack takes orders from an asshole. No matter how well CTU is...
3 tags
Return of the Facts
That’s right, after an extended break, The Facts has returned. Let’s take a rundown of some facts that may have missed your attention.
1) The Headline That’s right, I decided to use Mark Morrison’s “Return of the Mack” as a template for my headline for this article. I can think of no good reason for this, and several bad ones: it’s a terrible, terrible piece of music; now that I’ve thought of it,...
3 tags
Crime Solving With The Professionals Part Two
I beat on CSI a lot, I know, mainly CSI: Miami. That’s because it’s easy.
Let me put it another way: if the CSI writers can get away with doing fuck all research, and indulge in lazy writing, then so can I. To further extend this comparison, if millions of people around the world enjoy CSI despite those failings, I too will enjoy the same success. This is watertight logic, and if you think you...
December 2005
3 posts
1 tag
Fact Focus: Hasta La Windows Vista
Windows is an operating system specifically designed by Microsoft to make your system crash.
Since Windows 2000 and XP, however, Microsoft changed their strategy and instead focussed on trying to make your computer run as slowly as possible.
With Windows Vista on the horizon, let’s take a look at what we can look forward to:
Enhanced DRM: For those that don’t know, Digital Rights Management is...
2 tags
Fact #16
It takes one hundred and seventy three badgers fired at 190mph at a rate of one every two seconds to sink a Nimitz-class aircraft carrier.
It takes four to disable a combat-ready soldier, and forty-three to penetrate the armour of a Challenger MkII tank. However, it takes just four to clog the barrell of the Challenger II.
One hundred and eighty thousand badgers were expended during World War...
3 tags
Fact #15
In Southend-on-Sea, hedgehogs have been granted the Right of Vengeance against motorists who run over members of their family.
November 2005
3 posts
4 tags
Fact Focus: Crime Solving with the Professionals
It is very important to be able to seperate actual fact from ‘pretend’ fact.
To be more precise, it is very important that people learn the skill of seperating fact from CSI: Miami’s version of fact.
Watching an episode last week, I was interested to see that it began rather dramatically with a plane crash. In the time it took for the credits to roll, Horatio was on the scene. The first...
1 tag
Fact Focus: Guy Fawkes
Four nights ago, most of England was celebrating Guy Fawkes’ Night, more commonly known as Bonfire Night.
Many of you Johnny Foreigner types are unawares as to what this festival is all about. Luckily, like a badass envoy from the Streets of Knowledge, I’m here to educate you.
Guy Fawkes was a man constructed out of pure evil. Created on a construction gantry on a hidden island in the Pacific...
1 tag
Fact Focus: Mobile Phones
Invented in 1975, the world’s first mobile phone was a petrol-driven monstrosity that could convey a family of six a distance of approximately seven miles. It had eight wheels and was regularly used by the police during chases. In order to make mobile calls, it had to be parked nearby to a house with a phone. At this point, it was the duty of the tallest person present to knock on the door of the...
October 2005
4 posts
1 tag
History 101: Part Three
June 1996: The Water Vole War Two opposing camps of water vole finally go to war after many years of political tension. The differences between the two factions go right down to the core philosophies that water voles live their lives by. This war spilled over into the human arena when a Tactical Vole Strike went wrong, irradiating Sheffield. The authorities had no choice but to evacuate the city,...
1 tag
History 101: Part Two
March 1986: France Invented By Accident France, and therefore the French, were accidentally invented by a team of scientists who were trying to invent the world’s first re-usable sandwich. The scientists were held before an international tribunal and stripped of their POWER OF SCIENCE by way of punishment. They were also banned from accidentally inventing countries for five years.
July 1987:...
1 tag
History 101 Mailbag
A number of impudent souls have questioned my History 101 lecture. I am more than happy to open a six-pack of FACT on anyone who does so. Indeed, I have a FACT FUNNEL for this precise circumstance.
Joe Richter from Hemel Hempstead, near Lebanon, has this to say:
“When did World War II take place?”
This is yet to come, along with it’s preceding World War, in the next part of History 101. I’m a...
1 tag
Fact Fest: History 101
The human race has been on the planet for some time now. Indeed, fossilised remains have enabled us to nail down an approximate date that the first homo sapiens began to appear: August 1971.
Since then, the human race has flourished. Let’s take a look at some notable points in our history.
January 1972: Science is invented A dedicated team of scientists unveiled their first discovery: a field in...
September 2005
12 posts
2 tags
Fact #13: Currencies of the World
In Turkmenistan, it is standard practice to pay for goods and services by using ghosts as currency.
3 tags
Fact #12: On The Farm
One-in-five farm animals can speak reasonably fluent French.
3 tags
Fact #11: Elvis
Elvis Presley had a stunt double who performed all his moves, and made sweet love to his thousands of groupies, while The King himself stuck to singing and fire-eating.
2 tags
Fact #10: Blogternet
The number of blogs on the internet has increased so rapidly that, according to scientists, by the year 2012 the internet will consist of only blogs and adult material. Additionally, furniture and cars will be made of recycled blogs.
3 tags
Fact #9: TV and You
The average CRT TV set outputs enough radiation to melt forty-eight human faces per year. Newer plasma TVs output far less harmful emissions, such as the scent of a meadow in the summer, and a sense of personal superiority.
3 tags
Fact #8: Evolution
It’s a well known fact that humans evolved from apes. Less well known is that apes evolved from shoes.
4 tags
Fact #7: The Soviet Legacy
During the Cold War, the Soviets developed a rainbow that was entirely red. All rainbows over Soviet Russia were reconfigured this way from 1974 up until the end of the Cold War. It caused lasting environmental damage, resulting in an estimated 14 trillion tonnes of pollution being released into the atmosphere.
2 tags
Fact #6: TV
The theme tune for The Golden Girls was written by Shaolin Monks.
6 tags
Fact #4: Office equipment through the ages
It’s a little known fact that early staple guns were so powerful they were actually used for hunting. Also, during World War II, when equipment was scarce, some soldiers were issued them instead of a standard weapon. These soldiers had some of the highest kill rates, and were even able to take down enemy aircraft. The staple gun has since then been toned down for use in public places such as...
3 tags
Fact #3: 64-bit computers
64 bit computers operate using a furnace that burns at 26,000 Kelvin. They are 6 metres tall and can fire uranium-tipped shells out of their USB ports. The US military developed 64 bit computers as a way to counter the threat of multiple 8 bit machines combining together to form the fabled COLOSSAUR.
4 tags
Fact #2: Egg
Only one farm animal has ever been awarded the Nobel Prize. This was a chicken called Henrietta Blakenstowe. She created the chicken egg in 1886, an item that has led to a revolution in farming methods. It’s hard to find a farm today that doesn’t have skilled egg-crafting chickens on its payroll.
The Facts
As someone who deals in cold, hard, facts, I feel that I should from now on be referred to as “The Facts”.
Much as I despise the “Did you know…?” scenarios beloved of people who spend too much time watching the Discovery channel and too little time being super-damn-cool, I have recieved a communique from the International Fact Council saying that in order to maintain my status I must deliver...